Like Spokes In A Wheel

I always harp on the point that I don’t want to give the cancer credit for anything. If cancer is a gift, I don’t know who is dolling that out, but he or she or it needs to rethink their choice of presents. A gift is something that you give to someone to brighten their day. I wouldn’t give this to anyone; no one deserves it. It’d be nice if my cancer came with a gift receipt because I’d take that shit back. I’d even settle for a store credit.

However, it can’t be denied that the circumstances living with cancer has dealt me have opened up many worlds – the biggest reward being the people that it has brought into my life. Craig and I spent the weekend on Cape Cod with one of those incredibly special people, our friend Lulu, the mother of my transplant cam padre, Matt (who turned 50 this year and was declared cancer-free from his Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma, his transplant from an unrelated donor a great success after a tough road!).

Matt and me sporting our floppy hats that Lulu gave us. 

We rocked them with the tags on trying to start a new trend. 

Lulu was his primary caregiver at Hope Lodge last summer and the four of us spent many hours together sleeping, reading, chatting and (believe it or not) doing lots of laughing on the roof deck of The Lodge. They were both tremendously integral to my survival while living there and rebuilding.

Matt has been my rock, sounding board, bitching partner, and inspiration. We call each other jamokes and laugh at the absurdity of circumstances together like when I fell on my ass and broke my foot and he fell off his bike and broke his shoulder. His mom Lulu is one of the most interesting people we know and has brought so much positive perspective and life lessons. She’s been so helpful to Craig and to my mother, with whom she’s also forged a close relationship, as they all navigate how to deal with us crazy transplant patients and all of our baggage.

A fantastic Cape Cod weekend with Lulu. 

To be able to spend time together at her beloved cottage, in the ocean and on the sand that we all pined for last summer from the hot city concrete was a little bit surreal and a whole lot beautiful. We talked about how going through the adversity that we have can carry so many positives with it and how grateful we are were that our circumstances brought us into each other’s lives, no matter how crappy those circumstances were.

I am so fortunate to have many relationships like this, people in my life that I never would have known had it not been for our cancer journeys intersecting. These relationships are so important to me, built upon a deep love and appreciation. To be able to tap the support of these friends that can relate on a whole different level is invaluable. I truly believe that people are brought together for a greater reason and that the connectedness between humans is a bond stronger than anything.

However, it doesn’t mean that just because people share a disease that the commonality makes them instant friends. I’ve also run into people that I have not aligned with at all and whose energy was not something I needed in my realm. Those that I’ve grown close with are kindred spirits that I thrive with. This would have happened with or without the whole cancer thing – that just happened to be the catalyst that brought us together. We have way more in common than that.

Steve, Jen and me - our first time meeting 

outside the 

virtual world. 

Our friends Steve and Jen are two of the coolest, smartest, chillest, determined, kind, openhearted people I’ve ever had the honor of knowing. He is recovering from his donor transplant right now, far from home and grappling with some difficult Graft vs. Host Disease manifestations. I think of them both multiple times a day every single day. We’ve spent time together in LA and NYC and have shared so many intimate conversations over e-mail and texts, conversations that I often look back at to make me laugh or help me cope.

I love swapping stories with my buddy Ethan, checking in with Tiff and Bekah. We can talk to each other without filters. Our connections are immediately from heart to heart without all of the bullshit in between. We can be real and open and comfortable, a level of intimacy that’s refreshing and easy.

In The Book of Awakenings by Mark Nepo, one passage compares humans to spokes on a wheel.  “What we reach for may be different, but what makes us reach is the same,” it reads. Each spoke is essential to keeping the wheel whole, but no two spokes are the same. Every spoke offers some different type of energy to draw from. 

I’m so incredibly fortunate to have such strong spokes spinning in my wheel, propelling me forward.

Living in the moments of friendship....

In the midst of living life...trying to create order out of chaos ...a day comes along that is perfect in it's rhythm and in it's heart......
A gentle roll into living in the moments that great friendships weave together.....

Knowing that we are leaving for two months, we enjoyed a day with good friends.
The kind of friends that have grown older with us....friends that make up memories of laughter and special moments. We talked and laughed of old times....and as we did so, we wove new memories....
This was a perfect day.

We began with coffee......and sweets......



Even with drizzles and dark clouds gathering, some crazy folks ( like us ) just can't pass up a flea market! Found a few treasures.....




Off to THE BEST CLAM CHOWDER EVER!!
Too rainy to sit outside so we piled back into the car....
and it tasted even better as our hands warmed up and our tummys got full.



A foggy day in Bodega..... little fishing boats safely anchored in the bay.....
my son-in-law out catching crab on his boat, the Bella Bleu.....yum!
Fresh crab tomorrow!






Perfect foggy and rainy weather as we find our way inside to a cozy fireplace....
and hot coffee with baileys irish creme....




A perfect day and a perfect way to say....see you in a couple of months...
We will miss you.....Wish you were coming with us....

Enjoying new blossoms, good friends and old artwork....

Being away for a while does bring it's rewards....like the gift of reuniting with good friends.
And when I'm over at a good friend's house it also means I get to look again at little pieces of art work that I've given as gifts.

It's always a good feeling and a bit of a relief to see something that I made, years ago, and actually be charmed by it. The emotional process of creating art is...at least for me.... such a roller coaster ride.
I was sharing this online today at That Creative Place, where I teach classes.

A woman, new to sculpting, was taking my class in learning to sculpt a face and I wanted to make sure she knew that it is a process....a process where it is necessary to be kind to yourself. Everytime I create something I seem to journey along the same path...and even though I know the twists and turns of this path, I still fall into the emotion of it. I wanted to prepare her a bit for this possibility.

When I'm creating, it is like falling in love. I am so in love with what I am making that I am sure it is the best thing I've ever done.
I'm sure it is worth millions of dollars.
Then.....a couple of days after I have completed the piece, I see everything wrong with it.
I am embarrassed for anyone to see it. I am sure it should be thrown out!

Fortunately,within a month's time, my emotions level out and I can see the piece for what it is, and appreciate the good points, and learn from the places that don't work as well.

And then there comes the time when I haven't seen a piece of my artwork for months or years....
and when I see it, I am happy.
Today was one of those days. :)

Safety Net

I saw Funny People with my sister this week and it got me thinking about the "cancer support network" that everyone talks about when you're first diagnosed. About how important it is to have people that you can count on to make you laugh, help you cry, look at things with a new perspective, give you strength and encouragement and make you realize how important you are to other people's lives - that you're not just fighting for your own life, you're fighting to stay around for everyone who needs you as well - and that's a really good feeling. 

In Funny People, Adam Sandler plays a big celeb but one that is also a loner with no true, deep connections with people --- until he meets Seth Rogan or "Shmira" and the story progresses ... .  It got me thinking how incredibly lucky I am and how I would not be able to bounce back from the negative thoughts and the pain without the help of my taunt safety net. The net is grander than I ever could have fathomed. 

During this experience I have reconnected with people I haven't talked to since middle school, heard from teachers that had me in kindergarten, formed closer bonds with friends, with their families and with my own family. Like I said in one of my first blog posts, it's like being there to watch your own funeral. It's truly a gift to be able to see the lives that I've touched along the way and how many relationships that I've made in my 27 years. It's deeply humbling, incredibly moving and has been vital to this whole healing process. It's difficult to know the effect you can have on someone's life until you're thrown into a situation like this. At the same time you learn what a profound effect people's simple words and actions can have on your own life. 

In the three months that I have been diagnosed, there has literally not been one day that a card hasn't arrived in the mail with some words of encouragement or a crazy memory to share. That's not to mention the thousands of e-mails, Facebook messages and wall posts and blog comments that have touched me in so many ways. Keeping up with all the correspondence is a big job --- a job I wouldn't trade in for a second. And the visits! We are so lucky to have such an amazing set of friends from all walks of life and they all provide a much needed escape from the day-to-day doldrums of cancer crapness. And the strangers that I've met on cancer websites or through their own blogs who have now become close allies in this fight - people I can learn from, swap tips with or just bitch with without fear of making them feel uncomfortable because they're reeling from this too. 

I've been going back to the office more on my off-week now that I've been feeling stronger. Being around co-workers, easing back into a more regular work schedule has been fantastic on my nerves and on my confidence. When I'm interviewing someone for a story or designing a web page I'm not thinking about the multiplying cancer cells or the port pain. I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to keep on working and contributing to the greater society beyond my little cancer ridden world. 

When I was having a particularly hard time after last week's treatment and port insertion I sat down and flipped through all the cards I've received since my diagnosis. I've saved every one and have been collecting them in a basket in the kitchen --- a basket which I've had to upgrade in size twice. Then I dumped them out and just had to take a picture not being able to comprehend how amazingly thoughtful people are. 

Things that I would never even think of have shown up at my door to cheer me up: subscriptions to magazines like Natural Healing and People, Netflix subscriptions, yoga class and Amazon gift certificates, funny books, informative books, beauty products, relaxing candles, CDs, peanut M&Ms and healing crystals, restaurant gift certificates, house cleaning services, offers for Reiki and reflexology sessions, lots of movies, tomato, parsley and basil plants, hanging baskets, food, food, food and treats. 

All I can say is that I cannot wait to pay this forward for the rest of my life. My safety net is strong. I know no matter how hard I may fall at times, you'll all always be there to catch me. It's because of you that I can get past the fear and leap from peak to peak over the deep valleys of this journey with courage and determination. 

Nothing Can Separate Us

Photo taken by a co-worker or her

son and a neighbors horse.

Acrylic on 12x16 stretched canvas.

To purchase contact me at

angelasacrylics@yahoo.com

The glow of 45 years of friendship....

My beau ( yes, after 41 years of marriage, he is still my beau ) joined us last night.....and yes...my friends loved the ornaments that I created for them. We had a lovely evening. Life is good.

Creating with bits of my heart.....

Some of my most favorite treasures came together today, creating two ornaments to gift to two dear friends....bits of my heart I gift to them. We have been friends for so long.

two egg gourds...words torn from an 1882 handwritten French journal... crackle glaze... rhinestones... brass bird findings... vintage religious medallions.... antique keys.... wire leaves.... antique beaded trim.... gold metallic lace.... and black ribbon with tiny white dots....

Voila!!