Pressure

Often it takes other people to help you realize your own potential. At least for me, it's easy to write myself off when I'm feeling really crappy. It can get exhausting constantly trying to talk myself up mentally and to overcome the negative and anxious thoughts that so often sneak in. I live with myself every day and pep talks in the mirror have lost a bit of their effectiveness after so many months of them. But I know that no matter how exhausting it gets I could never give up, not just for my own will to live, but because if I did concede defeat so many people would come ramming down my door and kicking my ass in gear. I wouldn't stand a chance.

This indisputable fact was again shown very clearly to me at a Glow Ball Tournament fundraiser that our phenomenal friends organized this past weekend. After an outdoor barbecue dinner, participants got to golf at a country club in the pitch dark with light up balls and glow sticks around their necks – fantastic.

The event's proceeds will help to offset our medical bills, lodging and travel expenses but what was taken away from the event goes far beyond finances. People so deeply care and genuinely want to help and that is continually humbling and baffling. Craig and I have been at this for a while now, but the support just doesn't waiver. When we get tired of holding ourselves up, our extended support group still displays exceptional endurance. I don't even know what to say to people in response to their stunning kindness anymore. "Thank you" doesn't come close to representing the gratitude that Craig and I feel. I wish there were a stronger phrase than the same one used when someone holds the door open for me.

Obviously having so many people looking out for us carries its own pressures. With a growing support group comes more and more people to succeed for, more and more people that I don't want to let down. It's bigger than me. Now I realize the place that I hold in other people's lives and see now more than ever how connected we all are. To me, this is a true gift that has come out of this. When I'm tempted to give up or when I begin to doubt what I'm capable of, I think of the two little girls who have donated their hair for wigs in my honor, of Craig's students that set up an afternoon lemon-AID stand to raise money for cancer research, of my family that loves me so much, of the friends that remind me consistently that I will end up on top of this. And not to forget, of Miss Sammy who depends on me for Pedigree and belly rubs.

Ya, I feel the pressure, but I wouldn't want it any other way.