It Is Not My Time

I know that many people are out there who have been rooting for me and thinking about me these past couple of days so wanted to write a very brief update. I so much appreciate your support. More than I can ever express.

Unfortunately, I did not get the news that I was hoping for. Yesterday's PET Scan revealed that the cancer is no longer shrinking. In fact, it is growing, primarily in my chest and in several bones. The cancer has mutated itself yet again so that it is now resistant to the SGN-35 chemotherapy. It is fierce and intelligent.

I am thoroughly disappointed, very sad and exhausted. Though it is very unwelcome news, it does not come as a complete shock as I really had not been feeling well. I deeply feared that the cancer was again encroaching as much as I visualized otherwise. It is very difficult to take these blows. However, I have by no means lost hope, nor fight.

I cannot enter into the allogeneic transplant procedure while the Hodgkin's Disease is actively on the attack. In no pleasant terms, I would not make it through it. I need to be very close to remission with obvious signs that the cancer has surrendered. We just have not found the drug that will do that yet, but there are more options.

We are home now and Craig and I will head back to Sloan tomorrow evening with plans to see my lymphoma specialist on early Thursday morning. She has thoughts on a new clinical trial that just opened there with yet another promising experimental drug. Craig described it well today saying that we have a big locked box before us and a full key ring in our hands. We just need to find out which key will open that lock. One of them will, we just haven't tried it yet.

I have found this Mumford & Sons song to be a wildly appropriate expression of what I am feeling. I will not choke on this unwanted noose around my neck.

The Cave:

"So make your siren's call

And sing all you want

I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now

And I need to know how

To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope

And I won't let you choke

On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain

And I will change my ways

I'll know my name as it's called again"