The Waiting Game

I don't want to play it anymore. Let's put away the cards, fold up the game board, drop the player tokens into their mini plastic bag. I am not good at this game and I want to quit.

It's funny how when you're trying not to think about something, the only thing you can think about is trying not to think about it – and that really leads to thinking about it now doesn't it? It's only been four days since I found out about the area of question in my PET-Scan but it feels like forever.

Of course my mind is a bit out of control. I'm hoping with everything I have that this is just inflammation from my longstanding cough but I also have that awful feeling in my gut that it's not. I keep trying to squelch those feelings but they keep creeping up. For some reason the idea of having to go through a stem cell transplant was something that I always thought that I'd have to do - I have no idea why and I hope that I am dead wrong.

There is not a damn thing I can do to speed up this process. I had a CT-Scan today which might give some insight as early as late-day tomorrow. I got yet another IV. The dye inserted for this test warms through your entire body, makes you feel like you just peed your pants and gives a distinct metal taste in your mouth - quite enjoyable. I laid there, again with my arms over my head, and listened to the robotic man's voice tell me when to hold my breath and when to let it go. Now I wait some more to see what this 64-slice scan shows going on in my mediastinum.

Maybe the spot won't show up at all. I just have to resist calling my oncologist every hour to check if the results came in. I think calling at 4pm is fair – that's 24 hours – I should at least just check ...